Category Archives: Homeschooling

“Purity Culture” Hoopla: Comparing Notes

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evangelical purity culture

I don’t know who came up with the phrase “purity culture,” but apparently I, my evangelical church friends, and our children were all part of it.

I guess.

It’s not like I was asked to sign a “purity culture” membership card to keep in my wallet as a parent. I think it’s a bit of a stretch to call it a “culture.” I’ve never heard of purity culture cuisine. I’m not aware of any purity culture holidays, art, or burial practices.

Why does everything have to be a culture now, even when it isn’t?

I’ve been reading critics of “purity culture” ever since Joshua Harris came out with his latest in a string of announcements. At age 21 Harris had published I Kissed Dating Goodbye (IKDG), a book advocating an alternative to casual, serial dating. The book became a best seller and was enormously influential in shaping the evangelical and Christian home-school subcultures during the late 90s.

Twenty some years have passed and Harris has now very publicly renounced the central message of his book, announced that he is divorcing his wife of 19 years, and most recently, announced that he is no longer a Christian.

But more troubling, quite a few women who came of age in church youth group “purity culture” are now well into adulthood, and are claiming that “purity culture” damaged them, leaving them to wrestle with shame, fear, anxiety, eating disorders, nasty rashes, sexual dysfunction, inability to recognize sexual abuse, and more.

I’m sincerely puzzled. I was there. What these testimonies typically describe sounds nothing like what I saw. My five kids also grew up in church youth group “purity culture,” and I was a parent leader in our parent-led youth group in a theologically conservative, evangelical church. One of my sons read Harris’s book. One of my daughters went to a True Love Waits conference with a friend. More than one church youth conference or retreat was themed around guy/girl relationships and why casual dating and sex is not a good idea.

Regardless, here are all these testimonies claiming injury from Harris’s book. At first I concluded that, if his critics’ claims are true, Harris is doing evangelicalism a favor by repudiating his book and stopping further publication.

But then I actually read his book.

After hearing the backlash I was surprised that IKDG seemed sensible and sensitively written. I didn’t see any of the legalism or rigidity that I expected to find. Didn’t see any shaming or intimidation.

Then I tried to verify the specific accusations I’d been hearing. For example, here’s a quote from an opinion piece in Huffpost, specifically referring to Harris’s book, (emphasis added):

…Other messages from the book: Girls should be modest and meek. Boys are sexual creatures and if they have impure thoughts about you it is your fault. The body and its desires are to be suppressed at all costs. Harris’ ideas were par for the course in the purity culture that dominated evangelical circles like mine.
– Hannah Brashers, Huffpost Personal

I’ll assume we can all agree that such a message deserves to go down in flames. However, I could not find such a message in IKDG. Following is the closest I could find, from the chapter entitled, Purity. Harris encourages “brothers and sisters in the Lord” to protect each other. He has just addressed the guys, and here he addresses the girls, (emphasis added):

…You may not realize this, but we guys most commonly struggle with our eyes. I think many girls are innocently unaware of the difficulty a guy has in remaining pure when looking at a girl who is dressed immodestly. Now I don’t want to dictate your wardrobe, but honestly speaking, I would be blessed if girls considered more than fashion when shopping for clothes. Yes, guys are responsible for maintaining self control, but you can help by refusing to wear clothing designed to attract attention to your body…I know many girls who would look great in shorter skirts or tighter blouses, and they know it. But they choose to dress modestly. They take the responsibility of guarding their brothers’ eyes. To those women and others like them, I’m grateful…
– Joshua Harris, IKDG, p 99

Is he not humbly asking for help here? Is he not calling for mutual caring?

Why does his critic get it exactly backwards?

Let’s compare more notes
What follows is a rant by a blogger who has left Fundamentalism and wants to help victims of abuse. I’m not including her last name because my point is not to embarrass her. My point in responding here is that “purity culture” was more nuanced than critics want us to believe, and it’s wrong for them to preach that their terrible experiences are representative of all of evangelical subculture:

Katie P: “…Lack of sex education and/or relationship development are unfortunately hallmarks of purity/modesty culture. Purity culture teaches that any type of sexual education or experience outside of heterosexual marriage is wrong and deserving of severe punishment…”

“Severe punishment”? This is news to me. My wife and I taught our kids about sex and reproduction (age appropriately) while they were still elementary school age. We formally went into greater detail before they entered middle school, because we wanted them to hear about sex from us first. From then on we discussed sex, dating, human sexuality, and boy/girl relationships as questions were raised, which they were, often around the dinner table. We still do this as adults.

Katie: “…purity/modesty culture is also called rape culture. Another reason is the severe victim blaming that occurs within this toxic culture…[girls] are taught that their bodies are inherently sinful and tempting and must be covered (modesty) in order not to seduce men…”

Nope. In my lifetime I’ve never heard ANY living, literate, Bible believing person say that girls’ bodies are “inherently sinful.” In fact the Torah states that God personally created the female body and then pronounced it “good!” In evangelicalism, the Bible trumps human opinion – so why did she, or anyone else, say or believe this?

However, I do agree with her that the female form can be “tempting”; not because it’s sinful but because it’s awesome. That’s kind of the point. My wife and I did indeed have modesty talks with our girls. We were intentional about communicating that there is nothing shameful, sinful, or bad about their bodies or about being female. As Harris stated, it is solely on the dudes to control their thoughts and actions. In part, a girl’s choice to dress modestly is to help those of us guys who are actually trying not to objectify women. Many guys aren’t even trying.

Katie: “…Men are taught that they are “visual creatures” who are unable to control their sexual impulses at the sight of a women’s body…”

A revealing criticism. First, dudes do not need to be “taught” this – that we are “visual creatures.” We are this. That’s why there is a multi-billion dollar porn industry – because most guys are enthusiastically able and willing to be sexually aroused by solely visual means. It is girls who, imho, should be taught this about guys, because girls generally do not experience sexual arousal in the same way. My wife and I felt that we would leave our daughters in a naïve and vulnerable position if we didn’t educate them on this biological fact.

Second, regarding male sexual impulses: I’ve read testimonies from women who, due to shame and indoctrination, became unable to think of themselves as sexual beings, causing problems in their marriages as adults. This is sad. This also underscores how boys and girls are different. For most guys, once their pubescent hormones kick in and they find themselves in a world half full of girls, you could no more convince them that they’re not sexual beings than you could convince them that they are the Pope. There are scientifically verifiable reasons for this. “Purity culture” acknowledged them.

Katie: “…Oftentimes in purity culture, women are also given purity rings by their fathers symbolizing their commitment to remain “pure” for their husbands and to obey their father until he gives them to their future husbands.”

Yes, this was a thing. I never did it because I felt it was redundant. Also maybe a little weird. For me. I wouldn’t necessarily fault dads who did it, unless they forced their daughter to sit under a bare light bulb in a concrete cell with no food or water until she signed the pledge. (Which I’m sure evangelicals are being accused of doing, somewhere).

Katie: “…It’s easy to see why purity culture creates such a toxic, unhealthy, dangerous environment sexually, emotionally, and relationally. But for those who are living in this culture, it’s almost impossible to escape. God is used as the ultimate weapon to keep people in line…”

She’s describing cult behavior. Healthy evangelical subculture is not like this.

The youth group my kids came up in did have an informal no-dating policy. It was mostly unspoken, but was certainly articulated at conferences and retreats. During this time my son served as the youth worship leader. Beginning in his sophomore year he also had a steady girlfriend all through high school. No one said anything to him or me about it. No “weaponizing” God to keep him in line. Nothing “toxic” or “dangerous.” He and his girlfriend married after graduating college and have a great relationship today.

I could go on with more examples but I think you get the idea. Many people’s experience with “purity culture” was positive and healthy.

What Made the Difference?
Why did “purity culture” catch on? “Purity culture” gained popularity because Bible-believing parents thought it could be a positive way for the larger subculture to reinforce their values around sex and dating. Joshua Harris’s book became a best seller because he was a young, single guy, articulating what a lot of evangelical parents already believed about love, sex, and dating. They felt a young person saying it would help give the message credibility in the eyes of teens.

There is nothing sinister here. A lot of evangelical parents came to Jesus from out of secular culture and hoped to spare their kids some of the mistakes they had made. Obviously, in the arena of sex and dating, some mistakes come with a big price tag.

Furthermore, there was nothing new about the idea of saving oneself sexually for marriage, or “dating with a purpose,” or generally treating the opposite sex with care and respect. It’s just that this message contradicted the voices of secular education, media, and entertainment. In this sense “purity culture” was a radical alternative message.

Meanwhile, in the minds of many parents, the secular culture’s view of dating and sex is a train wreck. Many parents had been there and found it unenlightening. Secularism promoted a message opposite that of evangelicalism: Sex is no big deal. Sex is merely recreation. Sex is entertainment. Porn can spice up your marriage. There is a world full of people settling for less than God’s design for love, sex, and marriage. Evangelical parents wanted something better for their kids.

So what went wrong?
I suppose the short answer is: sometimes people get stuff wrong. Given a topic as personal, sensitive, and deep as human sexuality, this is not surprising.

Apparently many young people felt motivated by feelings of shame and fear – those are bad motivators. Apparently false or insufficient information was sometimes given. One woman wrote that, for many girls, once they put on the purity ring, that was the end of the discussion. That’s bad parental communication.

I don’t doubt the testimonies of the critics, but I don’t know the solution to the problem. There is a balance to strike when opposing concerns are both based on truth:

  • How do you promote modesty, while also avoiding victim-blaming?
  • How do you promote a positive, feminine body image, while avoiding crass sexualization of the female form?
  • How do you present accurate, comprehensive information about sex and marriage, while avoiding the secularist anything-goes approach?
  • How do you promote saving sex for lifelong, monogamous marriage, without shaming, or promoting legalism?
  • How do you hold up an ideal standard for courtship and marriage, without being formulaic, or marginalizing those who do not conform to that standard?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences about “purity culture,” and how the church could do better.

Dad notes: Family Devotions?

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Homeschool Devotions
With the New Year, I’m guessing some of you may be resolving to do a better job at having family devotional times in 2015. I say this because when I was parenting small kids, this was an area that I often wondered about. The nature of my wondering had to do with how best to appeal to my children’s hearts.

I want to explain, but first, a disclaimer:
In this blog, I do not presume to be a parenting expert dispensing advice. However, Mollie and I found that one of the most helpful things for us when we were young parents raising small children was to hear the experiences of other parents. Hearing different perspectives helped us to think through things more carefully. Evangelical subculture can sometimes tend to feel a bit one-size-fits-all. Mollie and I found that some things that worked well with one child didn’t necessarily work with another. So we’ve tried to resist the urge to dogmatize our parenting practices.

Here’s the deal: I believe that following Jesus is the utmost adventure. Life in the kingdom, even in the mundane things in life, is deep, meaningful, and foremost. I’ve always hoped my kids would ultimately view the things of God in the same way, rather than viewing, let’s say Bible study, as an obligation.

So how do we impart passion for God to our kids?

Well, a lot of us view family devotions as one way to do this. But for my family, the times I tried this, I could see my kids’ eyes glazing over. And I don’t think the problem was my content or delivery. The problem, (if it’s even correct to call it that,) was my kids – they simply weren’t in the right frame of mind to want to hear it. It was too abstract for them. They weren’t emotionally engaged. I was trying to excite them from the outside.

We’re all aware that there is a school of thought that says this is only to be expected, and that we should push forward anyway. It’s a matter of discipline, and we push through because we know it’s good and right for them. They’re still receiving truth, and the Holy Spirit can use it in their lives even if it is at a later time. I think this is a legitimate way of thinking, and I’ll return to it in a moment.

However, as a dad, I opted for a different approach. It felt wrong to me to bore my kids with God’s revelation – the one thing in the world by which I wanted them to be inspired. So I opted for a 2 part plan: 1) Mollie and I would model a vibrant life of faith to them, and, 2) we would actively look for teachable moments with our kids, and take advantage of those moments.

By “teachable moments” I refer to times throughout the day when their hearts and minds were engaged with a question or problem. I felt that at these times their hearts were primed to receive spiritual instruction. Sometimes it was discussions around the dinner table about the day’s events. Sometimes it was conversations at bedtime. Sometimes it was in the heat of a moment of conflict or worry. Often these moments included praying with them, and praying for them or for a friend, on the spot. Always my aim was for them to feel the relevance of God in our lives in every situation. I was generally prepared to drop everything else when these moments came up.

A Parallel Example
I think the example of learning a musical instrument provides a parallel that clarifies the difference between these two approaches.

On the one hand, parents can take the approach of making a child take music lessons even when that child doesn’t want lessons, and it’s a fight to get them to practice. I have a friend whose mom made him practice violin for an hour everyday at 5:30 every morning, which he hated. Today he is grateful to her. He has played for the St. Louis Philharmonic, and plays violin everyday because he loves it. (But not, presumably, at 5:30 am.)

On the other hand, parents can take the approach of waiting until a child wants to learn an instrument, and the desire to do so is something the child owns. We’ve taken this approach with a couple of our teenagers. They’ve had a lot of catching up to do, but their hearts are in it, and it’s fun and exciting for them. It would be strange for us to remind them to practice because they’re self-motivated, and learning the instrument was their idea in the first place.

I honestly don’t know if one approach is better than another, though obviously I lean toward the latter. For years I’ve been asking accomplished musicians their opinions on the question and have gotten mixed answers.

Paying Attention to Your Child’s Heart
When it comes to raising up kids who are passionate for God, I have also seen mixed results. We all want the same things for our kids, but sometimes our efforts as parents do not produce the intended results. I have seen plenty of kids who were so burnt out on “spiritual disciplines” that they wanted to be done with God, the church, and the Bible as soon as they could leave home. For others, spiritual disciplines seem to have helped them hit the ground running when they left home as young adults.

I have heard some pastors urging parents to require their kids to regularly journal and memorize Bible verses. I approached these subjects with my kids as a suggestion, but I always felt that requiring these things of them would serve to make these things drudgery for them. I wanted them to do these things, but from the heart – not because I required it of them.

It is interesting having adult children who are now passionate about Jesus, because I can ask them about my parenting. They have confirmed that they would probably have resented being required to engage in spiritual disciplines that would’ve seemed dry to them at the time. Most are grateful that I didn’t make them regularly sit through “boring” family devotions, (although my oldest son did like them.)

Your experience may be different from mine. If so, that’s great! I’m elated that what you are doing is working for your family. My intent is not to be critical of the idea of family devotions. My hope in writing this is to encourage parents who may be struggling with feeling as though they are failing because their (formal) family devotional times are sporadic, or non-existent, or not working. Within the parameters of a Spirit-led life there is more than one way to have a home that is centered around Jesus. I’m inclined to think that serving others as a family would be more helpful for everyone involved than sitting around on the sofa talking about serving others.

The kingdom of God does not consist in talk but in power.

A Caveat
I can think of one context where the systemized impartation of biblical instruction makes sense to me, regardless of whether or not the child’s heart is in it: in a home school setting.

In this case, most of what he or she is learning is viewed by both parent and student as a requirement that must be carried out. It is school, after all. With our three oldest children, Mollie started off the school day with a devotional time, and memorizing verses was a part of their curriculum. We think this benefited those three. When we moved to Colorado, Mollie had to start working, and our youngest two did not receive this benefit. But with all five, I still believe the real work of discipling was and is done in the course of “real life.”

The guy who discipled me during my college years used to say, “More is caught than is taught.” I believe there is a lot of truth in that.

Finally, I’m firmly convinced that good, compelling stories are one of the best ways to impart a biblical worldview to young children – it’s the very reason I started Big Picture Publishing. The reason I think this is that stories engage the heart and emotions as well as the intellect, and that is when lasting impressions are made. Thank you for supporting me in this project as I support you.

Please feel free to share your experiences below, whether you agree or disagree with me. Your comments may be of help to other parents. I’d love to hear your thoughts.